Turning Around

That image to the left was taken on June 6th, 2013 and I had no care in the world. I was a size 4 weighing at 120 lbs. I danced from Monday to Friday, in addition to yoga on off days. My metabolism was high and I ate like a pig and looked like what they would probably call a "skinny b*tch". It felt great. Matter of fact, I felt like I was on top of the world. 

2014 kicked in and my world changed. I've hit 26 years old and a lot of things started to hit me from left to right. I started to dance less, attended yoga even less and was losing the passion to continue doing things that I loved. Emotionally, I was in a rough place in my life. I was losing myself. I no longer understood the meaning of self-worth because I didn't feel worthy of my life. That's when I turned to eating. 

It's not like life was horrible half way through 2014. I was actually doing great for my age. I found a new passion in photography and my clientele was booming. Bills were paid. Friends were supportive. I had a job I loved. I'm in the prime of my life enjoying every moment with the love of my life. Yet I'd wake up unfulfilled and depressed.

A year and a half later, I'm close to my 28th birthday and I realized that I went up 4 sizes. Yeah! I spent a year in self-pity and didn't even realize that most of the clothes in my closet were gone because it no longer fit. I decided to start going to gym and get my life (as Renee would say). I was turning around. That's when it happened.

Dad died.
4 days after celebrating my 28th birthday, he passed away in a freak accident and life changed for the worse. I fell into a deep depression. Hardly focusing on anything. Late for business meetings. I couldn't function and I was simply living life in a daze. My days were a blur. It would be a miracle if I recount my daily activities to you because I wouldn't remember. That's when I started eating again. The two sizes I lost were regained with some added pounds and this definitely messed up my low self-esteem. 

After attending numerous events, surrounded my tall blondes sipping on cocktails with their judgmental looks behind their olive on a toothpick, I decided to get a reality check. I decided to pull myself out of that pity party and choose life. I went to counseling. This downward spiral of self-hate or depression wasn't fitting me well. I wanted to live a fuller, healthier and happier lifestyle and I needed help getting there. 

Now, life isn't where I want it to be, but I'm not where I was. It's getting better by the day, I'm learning and growing more. I may be 5'4' at 158 lbs, but I'm creating healthier habits for myself and not because it's the right thing to do, but simply because it's something I need to do for myself. So that girl on the right up top is my current look and that is okay. She doesn't look like what she's been suffering with for the last two years. 

If there's one thing I've learned all this time, that it is okay to love and take care of yourself as much as you need to. Why? Your relationship with yourself is the longest commitment you will ever have in life. So why not make the best of it?

Have you ever had a low moment in your life where you lost control of yourself? I'd love to hear it. You can comment or just send me a message. I promise to listen. <3
Besos,
Bella


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